I wrote this post yesterday whilst in the bath and shot these self portraits today, whilst not in the bath…
I’m wallowing. Wallowing in this deep pool of warm steamy water (ahhh relaxing), and wallowing in my thoughts. I’ve come to the realisation that I don’t actually know what I’m doing with my life. Now that’s a tad dramatic, I do know what I’m doing with my life (at the moment at least) and I have to say I’m very happy with how things are going with said life thus far, but, as today I’m feeling a tad dramatic, I’ll refer to these emotions in a dramatic way and make no apologies for it.
I think what I mean is that whilst everything is going in the general direction I had hoped this year, and if anything surpassed expectations (which I’m so flipping grateful for), I’m also now questioning the direction and what path I’d like it to take me on going forward. It sounds somewhat cryptic and I honestly don’t mean it to be, because there’s not actually that much to it. I just have a lot of thoughts and a lot of ideas and sometimes I struggle to process them all and determine which is of highest priority and importance in my ‘shit to get done in life’ list.
I think sometimes the things that are projected onto us from the outside can sometimes muddle up these ideas we have for ourselves and our own journeys. I’m very empathetic when it comes to people’s emotions around me, so maybe I’m susceptible to other people’s life projections too. If that makes any sense? I never find myself wanting what other people have and I’m always so grateful for what I have myself, but I feel I’m maybe still influenced by others actions more than I realise.
I can sometimes find myself heading in a direction and then I think to myself ‘wait, what, this isn’t where I’d initially intended on heading’. Sometimes this can be good and sometimes this can be bad.
I always tend to become very reflective around this time of year, as I’m sure maybe you do too. I look back and look forward. I think about my achievements, what’s brought me joy and what I’d like more or less of going into the new year.
It’s important to check in with ourselves. I think today I’m just having one of those deeply reflective days where I think to myself ‘what next’, and what do I really want without the ideas, thoughts or actions of others influencing me.
I think it has something to do with the new year being seen as a fresh chapter, as if we wake up on January 1st reborn and brand new. As we all know, it’s nothing like that…in fact, my January 1st will be the furthest from that as I’ll likely wake up hungover (I cannot deny it, I will be no fresh daisy/spring chicken). But overall the general consensus is that the new year is a time for goal setting and starting something new and so whether we abide by that or not, it can still tend to lead most of us to feel reflective of the time passed.
Now in my own head I’m just trying to prioritise what these ‘goals’ and next steps might be. There’s a lot I want to do but I’m not going to overwhelm myself with aiming for everything all at once – I can be a tad unrealistic like that.
I guess I’m sharing this for me but I’m also sharing this for you too. Whilst on the outside someone’s life can appear like they have it all figured out, I think deep down most of us are all just trying to figure out what works for ourselves, as we go along, or at least I know I am and I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I feel I have no clue. Sometimes I feel like a super cool boss woman who has it all together but then others days I completely do not. Whilst I’m grateful for who I have, what I have, and what I’m doing in life I still have days where I’m like ‘what is going on’, but then, don’t we all?
If, like me, you’re feeling a bit unsure where to project your focus for the new year because you want to do all of the things (and let’s face it there aren’t enough hours in the days, so we’ve gotta break it down), or maybe you don’t actually want to do any of them…then maybe it’s time to ask yourself ‘what do I really want?’…and ‘I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!’ (Sorry, inappropriate intersecting with a Spice Girls lyric there, I just could not resist)…but in all seriousness. Check in with yourself and ask yourself the question. Focus, prioritise and hone in on what’s really important to you, away from all the noise…I think that’s what I’m going to do.
So I’ll wallow in the bath with my thoughts a little longer, but that’s my rambling brain dump for the day. Hopefully you took something from it, even if it’s just the knowledge that I managed to bash out a blog post whilst laying in the bath and didn’t drop my phone – hurrah!
Samio x
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