Tag: Feelings

Sometimes I don’t start things in fear of them not being good enough

Sometimes I don’t start things in fear of them not being good enough. I’d love to say that I am fearless and that nothing phases me, but if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t think I am.

In some aspects I am that fearless person and my passion to do certain things knows no bounds. At other times though, the longing is there, however the feelings of self doubt creep in and I am therefore held back by my own insecurities. I don’t feel particularly insecure on the surface, but if a fear of not being good enough at something is holding me back from doing it, then surely I have to admit that it stems from insecurity.

I think it comes down to knowing our strengths, or at least thinking we know them and getting into a habit of focusing on what we know and have been proven to be good at. A pastry chef may be confident in their ability to make the most amazing Profiteroles, but then ask them to say, make fresh pasta and they may feel unsure of their capability to do it to the standard which they have perfected with the profiteroles – and so may be reluctant to even try. This is a somewhat random example and there may be a pastry chef who reads this and is thinking ‘actually I can make wicked fresh pasta for your information!’. But my point is, stepping out of our comfort zone, even if only slightly, can often be more daunting than we give it credit. And so we find ourselves saying things we’d like to do, knowing full well that they are not entirely unachievable, however we never get round to doing them, due to something deep down holding us back. It’s that hidden insecurity, which we often bury with the age old excuses of not having enough time, or the right tools or enough money and so on.

When I think of all the things I started when I had no clue and very little resources but went ahead and did anyway; I think of how different things would have been if I had maybe never been brave enough to give them a go. My blog for one is probably one of my biggest examples. When I started my blog I didn’t even read them, I just had a passion to create and share and so that’s what I did. Of course I look back at some old posts and laugh to myself at their pointlessness, my questionable outfits and my writing (or lack of)…but if I hadn’t started, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Now I couldn’t imagine not having this little space on the internet and it still amazes me that it evolved into part of my job…but what if I’d never started. What if that self doubt had crept in, what if I’d had that overwhelming fear of not being good enough and I hadn’t just gone ahead and published my first post and continued to share regardless. Who knows, maybe I would have found something else that I was equally passionate about to focus on, maybe I wouldn’t. All I do know however, is that in starting I have no regrets and in fact I feel thankful to my past self for being fearless enough to just start something new.

Even when I look back at the things I tried and failed at, I never look back with regret, as each thing has taught me a lesson or two along the way, if not only given me some very funny stories, some of which I’ll maybe have to recount to you in future posts.

I guess it all comes down to the push. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a second, but first I want to say how it’s funny that I’d written the start of this blog post a couple of weeks ago and it had sat on my desktop, unfinished since then. Over the weekend though, I spent a lot of time chatting with some of my fellow creative friends and a lot of what we discussed actually focused on the topics in this post. I guess that’s what inspired me to pick things back up and finish this post today.

Basically, when chatting to a friend, I’d used an elaborate metaphor to describe a situation of trying something new and quickly transitioning from one period to another. I said how the thing we want to do but maybe feel too afraid to try is like diving into a swimming pool from a high up diving board; you find yourself standing on the diving board and looking down at the deep blue pool below. It looks appealing, inviting even, but you are so far away from it, it looks too scary to just dive right in.

And so you wait, stood on the diving board (in your safe space if you like) looking into the deep blue water below, wondering and imagining what it would be like but not feeling quite brave enough, or feeling like it’s not quite the right timing to just dive right in…until eventually, (if you’re lucky), you get the push. Either through forces outside of your control, or through your own urges to get on with it, you jump.

Then you find yourself falling and plummeting into the freezing cold water. It’s different, it’s outside of your safe space and it can even be a shock to the system. But then you pull yourself to the surface and catch your breath. You realise that you did it, in fact, you’re doing it right now. It still feels different but you dived right in and now you’re finally doing the thing that you’ve been wanting to do for the longest time.

It’s not necessarily easy, but you have two choices, you either stick in this pool and keep swimming, or you get out. The longer that you’re in the water though, the more you find yourself getting used to it and soon you start to swim, you even start to enjoy and become good at it and eventually you look back and think, I’m glad I dived in.

Like I said, that was my very elaborate (and somewhat long winded) metaphor, but it’s the best way I can describe the process and it pretty much sums up some of my own experiences. There have been times where I have got out of the pool (metaphorically speaking) after having dived into certain situations. It’s important to know that not every experience will wind up being for you, and that’s completely okay…but then if you never try you’ll never know. So what’s it going to be, stay firmly planted on the board, or dive right in?

Samio x

The photos in this post were shot by myself. I have a series called #SamiosSelfPortraits which you can see more of here.

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February 4, 2019
A New Year, A New Pace

It’s two and half weeks (and a bit) into the year already and I’ll start by saying overall, so far, so good. I kicked off my year (as usual) feeling incredibly hungover but with little regret, as we’d once again achieved the success of an epic new year’s eve party, with lots of our close friends round at ours to celebrate.

Due to these spirited (in more ways than one) New Year’s Eve celebrations, I tend to officially start my new year on the second day of January, when my brain is no longer rattling in its scull, we’ve swept up any lingering glitter and any traces of Christmas have been tidied away.

This year however, my body had another idea and I woke up on the second of January with a cold, or as I’ll refer to it, my very own bout of severe level Man flu. It was annoying, to say the least and I must admit that by week two I was feeling a tad stir crazy, which led me to feeling quite sorry for myself – poor Damien bore the brunt of it each day when he’d return home from work and I’d be vying for attention like a puppy who’d been left alone at home all day.

In the grand scheme of things it’s not the worse thing that could happen and a cold is just a fleeing setback that most of us have to deal with around this time of year. Plus, whilst being sofa residing for the most part of two weeks, I did in fact still manage to get some work done. I even managed to drag myself away from my snotty tissue ridden hovel that I’d nested myself into on the sofa, put on some makeup and shoot some collaborations in time for their deadlines – go me!

So as I said, cold aside, not a bad start to the year. Now I’m 3 days post cold and feeling enthusiastic to officially get into my year properly.

I always tend to have my positive and optimistic head on around this time of year. I think a lot of us are still feeling driven and that motivation can be quite infectious at times. However, as we move towards the end of the month, I do find there is a tendency for things to all slowly go downhill from there. The January blues creep in and the reality that we’ve not even reach the coldest and gloomiest part of winter hits. It’s like the glum slog between Christmas and Spring that feels never ending. Between that and the emphasis on ‘keeping up with those goals’, there can be an overwhelming pressure to be living our best lives, when all we really want to do is go into hibernate until it’s summer.

I feel different this year though, still eager for summer yes, but just a lot less pressured. Even whilst snivelling my way through the first two weeks of this year, I was still feeling (albeit a little tired) content and calm mentally.

I think the main thing that’s helped my mindset has been my shift in focus this year. I already spoke in my last post about ‘things I’d like to do more of in 2019’, and wanting to have more me time was a big overriding theme there. I’ve been abiding by my own ‘rules’ and allowing myself to switch off, guilt free. I’ve got lost in the pages of a good book, wrote for the sake of writing and switched off from social media. It’s really done me the world of good. It’s also shown me that things don’t all just crumble when I stop. Just because the whole world feels like it’s going at 110mph, it doesn’t mean I have to.

We’re still only two weeks into this year, yes, but so far I’m finding a nice balance between work, me time and socialising (more emphasis can go on the socialising now that I’m lurgy free). I’ve started as I mean to go on, set things in motion that will help me in the long run, started to form new habits that are allowing me to relax and given myself the permission to go at my own pace, which is a lot slower than previously.

Samio x

#SamiosSelfPortraits

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January 17, 2019
Realising The Power In Saying No

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and whilst waiting to take some fitting images to go alongside it, I decided to pull out these images from a trip I took at the start of October to the Wilderness Reserve. So bare with me whilst I play catch up on the blog images but I liked these ones too much to not share. Onyi and I snapped these before dinner on the evening of our trip and they actually look rather festive, so quite fitting for now…anyway, in this post I just wanted to have a chat and share some recent thoughts and feelings…

I’ve been getting better at saying ‘no’ a lot more recently. In some aspects of my life I’ve often been quite good at saying no but then in other areas of life, I’ve been all too keen to be the yes man (or should I say woman).

For example, with my work I’ve always wanted it to be something I enjoy and so I have no qualms about saying no to things that maybe pay well but aren’t right for me. I understand this is a luxury to be able to say no to things but at the same time it’s something that I think is so important when working for yourself in the way that I do, where people are basically putting trust in your opinions.

I can be quite stubborn and if something I’m being asked to do for a job doesn’t feel right I’ll always dispute it, and if I’m being asked to work on something that isn’t the right fit, I’m never afraid to say no. I always know it will be worth the wait to work on something else that does fit right, which in turn I’ll enjoy a lot more and put my all into in return…On the other hand, when the types of things that are the right fit and I am keen to work on, come along all at once, I find myself all too easily saying ‘yes’ to everything. Before I know it I’m feeling as though I’ve bitten off a little more than I can chew trying to juggle it all as my own little one man band.

The same goes for social engagements. I’ve spoken before about how much I love spending time with friends and loved ones, so I am very social in that sense. If it’s an event with strangers then I’ll easily say no if I’m not in the right mood but if it’s a gathering with good friends I’ll mostly always say yes and make time for those important to me. Before I know it I have a full social calendar and if the work is busy too, then I’m back to back, burning the candle at both ends.

This is something that I find happens with me every now and then. It always seems to creep up on me without me even realising that I’ve taken on too much until it’s too late. When collaborations that are the right fit come along, it can be hard to say no, even if I am already really busy. Then when friends want to see me in between, in fear of being a let down, I continue to say ‘yes’. Before I know it I can find myself struggling to juggle it all, leaving little time for myself to well, just have to myself.

This happened again quite recently. I was saying ‘yes’ all too often and ‘no’ hardly enough.
I think my subconscious snapped before I actually did. As usually when I have too much on my plate I don’t actually realise that’s the problem and so my stress can manifest itself in other ways. I’ve never really been an anxious person in the past but these past months I felt anxiety creep up on me and finally I realised something had to give. So, after what I’ll just describe as a ‘stressful period’, I learnt to start saying ‘no’ more.

It sounds so simple. One little, two letter word, ‘No’. But each time I turned down meeting a friend for a coffee, or planning a much needed catch up, I’d feel so much guilt creeping up on me. I didn’t want to be a bad friend. And as someone who mostly works from home with a ‘flexible’ schedule I’d feel the need to over explain myself when I would say no to something. What I had to remind myself is that it’s actually okay to have time for yourself. Time to breathe. Time to not do work, not see friends, and be alone, and if you like, do nothing.

The same goes for work. Like I said, I’ve always been okay with saying no to the things that don’t feel right but to the things that do, well that one has always been a little trickier. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed to breaking point was (although awful to experience) the sign I needed to just slow things right down. It’s also made me re-assess and re-prioritise what things are really important to me in all aspects of my life.

Although saying no to certain things was hard at first, the more I got used to it, the more I felt myself regaining control and the less overwhelmed I felt. It’s not about saying no to everything but just saying no to more things. Allowing more time for myself is something I’ve realised is so important.

Saying no to work more and learning to become okay with it has been quite a freeing experience. Sometimes I forget that I’m self employed and it’s only myself cracking my own whip. I can choose to take on as much or as little work as I like. You have to define your own success/balance/happiness. I’ve realised I can’t do all of the things, all of the time and whilst being what you’d maybe describe as a driven extrovert, I still need time to be alone, recharge, and well, rest.

Saying yes to things is so celebrated but hardly anyone talks about what happens when you say yes too much. I’m adventurous, I get FOMO too easily, I love my work and I’m very social, so being a yes person comes naturally to me, but I tend to go too much in one direction and not enough in the other. I found myself turning up too much for everything and everyone else and not enough for myself. But alone time/doing nothing time is very important and I’ve realised that actually I don’t thrive off of being non-stop, back to back busy.

These past few weeks I’ve felt myself re-balancing. I feel a lot calmer. I’ve seen friends but then booked out time for myself too. I’ve said yes to work that I’ve been excited about but then turned down work and other opportunities that I know I don’t have time for. I’ve regained the power in saying no and I’m feeling a lot more balanced and happier for it.

Samio x

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December 19, 2018
Life Currently

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and I can finally see it…okay, in terms of what I’m actually referring to that phrase is a tad dramatic, but I simply feel like I’m beginning to emerge from the other side of a very long stagnant period.

I mentioned in a vlog recently how I’ve not been feeling very ‘on it’ creatively (so to speak) and in real life amongst friends, I’ve mentioned not feeling very ‘me’ right now. I have been struggling to create, or at least create the way in which I’d like.

Looking back now, it’s clearly been a case of writer’s block of the creative variety. A period of time where you just can’t get the shot, any editing process is surprisingly tedious, and coming up with new and exciting creative ideas just isn’t quite happening…It doesn’t sound that bad, but when it’s your job, each day can feel like a drag and every process greatly frustrating. Blame it on mercury being in retrograde, or whatever you wish, but I’m glad to say, I’m finally feeling a shift and I’m getting back to my normal self.

FEELING CREATIVE

It’s funny, out of periods of stagnant activity, I often emerge feeling my most creative and productive self. Last week was a good example of this and I actually created and filmed one of my favourite fashion videos in some time.

If you’ve watched my style videos, you’ll know I like to get creative when putting together lookbooks and the like. For me, the editing process is just as much fun as the filming (if not more). I had an idea to film something ‘documentary style’, with the focus being on my personal style, and so I created a short video about my Summer Style. I filmed the majority of it myself, and after editing it I felt happy to have produced something I really felt, well, happy about. So yes, I’ve got my creative video mojo back, and you can watch the one I’m on about here.

Shop the palm print dress here.

FITNESS

I mentioned in a recent post about wanting to get healthy, like actual healthy this time, like not eating Dominions, followed by Mc Donald’s, followed by chippy all in the space of three days, healthy. Yes, I was that bad!

See the thing is with me, I have (had) what you might call and extremely balanced diet, and by that I mean one part of the week would be filled with fresh veg, home cooked meals and lots of good stuff, whilst the other end is filled with takeout pizza, meals out (and I never order the healthy options)…and wine, lots and lots of wine. It’s never bothered me too much and I’m one of those annoying people who has what they call a fast metabolism, however, I do love the feeling of being fit, and well, I’ve missed it.

I’m like a broken record and constantly say I want to get fit/healthy again, and then another takeaway later, I’m back to square one. I’ve been feeling in the need of some guidance for quite some time. Although I know I shouldn’t eat my bodyweight in fatty foods and alcohol over the weekend, I still do and maybe the fact that it doesn’t show too much is part of my problem.

I haven’t felt my most energised and fittest self over the past several months and the straw the broke the camel’s back was getting a cold in the middle of the heatwave (cause let’s face it, that’s ridiculous). To me that was a clear sign that my body was telling me to take it easy and to more importantly, take better care of myself.

So basically, I’ve decided it’s time to make a change and I couldn’t believe my luck when a PT got in touch wanting to work together. Yesterday Damien and I had our second session with our PT Jamal, and whilst it’s definitely pushing me to my limits, it feels so good to finally have the guidance and actual training we want/need.

GETTING CHATTY

As you probably already guessed from my lengthy blog posts, I’m quite a chatter. I love a good natter and once you get me started, it’s hard to shut me up.

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of chatting, more so than usual. I began (accidentally) weekly vlogging, and although initially the idea terrified me, I’m now finding it the most cathartic process and one that I’m slightly addicted too. I feel I’m documenting my journey as a blogger/creative and sharing my thoughts in the most natural way through vlogging.

Whilst I love the sleek and polished fashion videos that I like to create, it’s nice to be able to do the complete opposite when vlogging and show the very real side of life and the bits that go on behind the scenes. At the same time, whilst once being terrified by filming parts of my life and putting it on the internet for anyone to see, I’ve now learnt that I only need to share what I decide to, so it hasn’t yet become too imposing on my life. For example, I rarely vlog my weekends, or when I’m with friends who I know don’t feel comfortable in font of a camera. I mostly focus on my working life at home and it’s become a bit of a thought diary, so my vlogs are basically lots of chats from me, which surprisingly enough, some people seem to be enjoying. So as long as I enjoy the process too, I’m going to keep at it.

In other forms of chatting, I recently featured on a podcast for the first time. Kat invited me to chat on her wonderful podcast called Put Yourself First. I do love a good podcast, especially when I’m sat editing photos, or tidying up. Kat interviews lots of amazing and interesting women, so I feel pleased that she asked me to speak on there, and oh boy did we have a good natter. I’m yet to listen to it back myself because, well, I hear enough of my own voice, but Kat asks some great questions and so hopefully people will enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed listening to some of her other guests on her podcast. You can give the episode a listen here.

FOLLOWING PASSIONS

The final point I wanted to chat about was following your passions. I think this is a topic I’ll likely go into more detail on in a separate blog post, but for now, I’ll keep it brief. Long story short, recently, as I mentioned, I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts. I think part of it was to do with being torn between creating what I want to create and creating what I feel I’m expected to create, as a ‘blogger’, shall we say. Not only that but I have many other passions outside of blogging (some which weave in and out of it too) and I need to not forget to put focus on those things too.

Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in the numbers, what you think brands want and what everyone else is doing. Whilst I’m often quite good at doing what feels right for me and not paying too much attention to the rest, I do have moments where I slip into feelings of self doubt and find myself feeling the pressure of conforming to what I feel is expected.

It’s funny, because as a creative (as I’ve mentioned on many occasions) there is no correct way to do anything. Literally, anything goes and can work if you do it with enough passion. I’ve just had to remind myself about the things that I love and enjoy most.

I’m also taking on other projects outside of blogging. Again, working on other passions and doing things purely for me. Sometimes you just have to do what makes you happy and do the things that feel right to you.

Samio x

August 15, 2018
Writer’s Block of The Blogging Variety & Practicing Gratitude

Photography by Jess Petrie. Makeup by Chloe Gray

I’ve been feeling a little off recently. Not necessarily unhappy, just off. I haven’t quite been able to focus and any attempts at productivity have been distracted by a feeling of frustration that I’m not getting enough done/haven’t done enough and in turn have halted my productivity. See the silly, vicious cycle here.

Call it writers block of the blogging variety, or call it my brain thinking of too many things at once to the point where it can’t think of anything at all for longer than five minutes. I’ve ultimately got myself into a bit of a rut that seems to have halted my creativity and as a result, left me feeling unsatisfied.

I woke up this morning and as I opened my eyes, my first thought was one of gratitude. It filled me with contentment for a moment but then as that moment passed, a feeling of dread crept over me. A subtle reminder of all the things that I haven’t done and likely won’t be able to do today. You see, silly, vicious cycle. I wanted to go back to that carefree moment of contentment again.

Then it hit me. Gratitude.

As I lay there, I realised that one thing that I was usually very good at but that I hadn’t been lately, was practicing gratitude. It feels quite funny to see it as something that needs to be practiced, but the realisation is that if you don’t actively engage in it, you can easily forget to do it at all.

By focusing on the things that I’m grateful for, I felt a weight slowly lifting, a grey cloud above me dispersing and a ray of sunshine breaking through.

I could almost laugh. It’s surprising how something so simple could become so detrimental when forgotten.

I feel somewhat different. There’s a shift in my emotions and I can feel my ‘can do’ attitude slowly resurrecting.

The moral to this little story: Practicing gratitude everyday can make a huge difference to your emotions and attitude and in turn your productivity. It’s too easy to take your situation, or how far you’ve come, for granted. Now when I step back and think about it, I’m exactly where I need to be and have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am truly greateful. That thought alone makes my emotions feel resolved and my thoughts a lot clearer. It’s funny how something so simple can make all the difference.

Samio x

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April 12, 2017